Dawn, day, life; old, new, brave

I've heard nothing but rave reviews for Tina Fey's Bossypants; so I started it a few weekends ago at Thuters' cabin. It was already in my library queue and set to arrive any day, so I figured I'd get a head start.

I struggled to get through the first half of the book - it was made up mainly of autobiographical vignettes that provide context for a comedienne coming of age. It seemed a bit disjointed, though: the chapters go almost immediately from Fey's scraping together a life in theater in the Midwest to suddenly being the head writer for Saturday Night Live. It didn't flow very smoothly, but once she got the reader to where they recognize her, then I thought it was a better book.

The parts I loved and thought were hysterical in the second half were all about the sudden popularity of Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impersonation. I also appreciated her many insights into sexism in the field of comedy and how women like her are changing the industry and the perception of women in comedy. I loved all of that. I disagreed with her analysis of Photoshopping women's bodies for magazines as completely harmless - but aside from that I cheered for all of her blatantly feminist statements.

But my absolute favorite part was her breakdown of improv comedy, and how it boils down to an attitude about saying "Yes" to the world put in front of you. In order for the magic to happen onstage, improv actors have to be flexible and open to all possibilities; they have to then contribute and create with that same open-mindedness and willingness to embrace any situation as an opportunity to build something new.

What a great philosophy! After reading that, and inspired in part by Thuters' fashion advice à la Queer Eye, I ran out and finally started to update my wardrobe for the first time since ... uh, before grad school. *Cough*

Also, I've made this my new anthem:

It's not right, but it's okay

About a year ago, I watched the Eminem/Rihanna "Love the Way You Lie" video. I'd heard the song everywhere - it was certainly a pretty enough tune, thought the lyrics were a questionable. So I googled to see the video. And then I watched in horror as I recognized parts of my own behavior and dependencies. In fact, I watched it about a dozen times in a row, not wanting to admit that I could relate emotionally to a song and video that, in effect, glorifies mutually abusive relationships.

Because Wehrenberg's book on anxiety management was somewhat useful, I decided to read her book on depression. And while some of the same issues I had with her other book are in this one as well, I've actually found most of the tips to be more helpful - especially the ones about getting out of cycles of negativity and despair and lashing out.

It's a very weird thing to stop feeling extreme emotions but not stop thinking them: for instance, pain manifesting itself as anger. Pre-meds, I'd get flushed and jittery and my heartbeat would pump up and I'd be thinking the stereotypical "Oh HELL NO" thoughts. But establishing a stabilized mood has eliminated those visceral reactions almost entirely, and what I'm still left with are the thoughts. And changing decades of the thought patterns about emotions is what I know I need to begin in order for an unhealthy cycle to stop. Despite great strides in the past year, there are still occasional lapses.

And there's still that damn laird's lug... the one that makes it seem like I'm invisible and watching my own life from a distance and can only watch helplessly as things fall apart and someone posing as me is complicit in it. But "hologram" is the only word I can find to describe the walls it seems like I'm trapped behind. It takes a lot of effort to realize they're not real, and that I can wrestle for control.