300 laughs

Background: The Directors in the office were all at a Directors' retreat, but playing hooky was out of the question because there were a few non-Directors in the office who you knew were taking attendance. However, there were also 14 cases of beer in the office kitchen, leftover from an event. The person whose event it was announced that at 5, she'd bust out the beer. I sneaked one out at 3:30.

By the time I made it to the theatre to see 300, I'd had four, and I sneaked a fifth in, in my coffee mug. (It marked the first time I've ever smuggled alcohol into a movie theatre. Or anywhere, for that matter.)

I never read the graphic novel, but I did have to read Herotodus in high school. 300 does a good job of conveying exactly how hard-core the Spartans were. Come back with your shield or on it! Throw the kid out and see if he survives! Only Spartan women give birth to real men!

It was ridiculous. I can understand how Iranians might be a little angry. Xerxes and his invading hordes are overly racialized. In case the audience can't tell that they're Middle Eastern or drawn from various parts of the modern Muslim world, they're all wearing tagelmousts and carrying scimitars. The ones that aren't are depersonalized with spooky silver masks. So you never really see their faces, except for Xerxes, whose voice betrays that he is really a machine.

If the defending-freedom-against-the-savage-Middle-Easterner metaphors were too subtle, the queen gives a speech before the Spartan Council, where she evokes "liberty" and "justice" against tyranny.

And speaking of synonyms for freedom ... The guy who plays Leonidas is Scottish, and you can hear it in his rallying cries. So whenever he yells "Spartans!" it's like Braveheart all agonizingly over again. Plus, the entire movie was copper-tinged, a la Gladiator. Also stolen from Gladiator: meeting up in the wheatfields.

All the black guys die. They're all just messengers or henchmen, but they're the first to die.

There was one scene where the audiene cheered: when the queen gets her revenge before the Council. I'll leave it at that.

In summary, within ten minutes it became obvious the movie wasn't really about the Battle of Thermopylae (I'm pretty sure Xerxes didn't bring rhinos and elephants with him). It was about the Spartan-led Coalition of the Willing. The other Greek city-states are philosophers and sissies but know the Persians are a threat, and only Sparta has the cajones to stand up to Xerxes' army.

A friend pointed out it could also be the reverse: 300 shows what happens when foreigners invade a country (led by a leader whose father failed to invade the same country), and a small number of natives defend it. That's a cleverer interpretation, but one I doubt the record-breaking box-office ticket buyers on opening day came to.

I'm disturbed that my future brother-in-law loved (and I mean loooooved) this movie....